Decisions, Decisions

What do you want to be when you grow up?  Have you decided yet?  I'm 43 years old and still trying to figure it out. I envy those of you who know.  I'm totally content to be a full time wife and mother, don't get me wrong.  Totally.  I LOVE being with my kids and teaching them and helping them grow to be amazing people.  I enjoy domestic life.  I like cooking.  I like making things from scratch.  I like finding thrifty alternatives for needs and wants.  


I'm not a creative person in the sense of invention or making something unique. I wouldn't call myself a "crafty" person.   I usually have to be inspired by someone else with more genius than me to begin.   But I've found that creating is necessary for me.  Cooking is a creative endeavor for me. I like the pairing of ingredients, the properties and complexities of different spices and flavors. I  enjoy "creating" that feeling or atmosphere when I'm playing, or listening to amazing music.  I do have some creative hobbies too, like bath and body products, because I was fascinated that not just some big chemical company can do that, and in fact I can do it better in many ways because it's just me.  Photography is a new way for me to express and create feelings and images.


I'd probably be content to just appease my creativity through hobbies; except that economics being what they are, and the cost of hobbies being what they are, and the cost of feeding 5 teens/young adults being what THAT is, and the cost of life in general being what it is.......   well, I need to get creative in deciding what to be and what to do that could help my family even just a little.  


I've learned a lot from a business I've had for the past year.  It launched me into my study of personal development and human potential over the last year which has been eye opening and I hope transforming sooner rather than later.  I think I'm a different person in many ways because of my experience.  I've had to get so far out of my comfort zone I thought I'd die; but I didn't.  It's been totally worth it.  And now I think I'm at a crossroads.  I know the integrity and potential my business has. But before real success comes, I'm going to have to become yet more.  I'm at a point in my life where I feel I've spent so much time being and doing what OTHER people want and need me to do, and I truly hate disappointing anyone.   I know that part of being a wife, mother, church and community member means giving of oneself, and it's ok because I've received a lot in return.  It's just that life's too short to keep putting off doing what you love and what makes you happy.  Isn't it?  


I guess the BIG question I've been struggling with is: 


Do I push myself to do something that's not entirely me, because it's a smart and promising opportunity that's full of potential, knowing I can make myself into anything I want if I want it badly enough (and that it will require growing, stretching, and getting out of my comfort zones.......yet more)?  OR, do I choose what I'd love and would make me happy even though it's not at all certain to become anything of consequence (when I really NEED something of consequence and not just more hobby time).  Is ignoring the "smart" choice and doing what you love too idealistic and irresponsible?  Doesn't it all require stretching, growth, and some risk?


If you've hung in this long, you deserve a gold star!  This is a shortened version of my thought processes, because the entire one would leave your head spinning as it does mine (only I'm used to it so I don't get nauseous anymore).  I envy people who just know what they want, and go after it without doubt and hesitation.  It must be so liberating.  I ask too many questions, raise too many doubts, and cast too many shadows.  


My hope is that voicing this all "out loud" will bring some clarity of mind so the right choice becomes crystal clear.  If you have any wisdom (or even just random opinions) to share, please, just shout it out!