To me, the start of a new year is September, not January. They should move New Years to
September. I think anyone with kids kind of sees it this way too. January's the halfway point, right? Well, I'm starting this "new year" with some excitement, some anxiety, some fear, and lots of questions!
As a home school family, each year has looked different. Different needs, courses of study, interests to follow, groups to belong to, activities to be involved in. Each year I think we've made bigger changes than ever, only to discover the next year, I feel the same again. But still I say, this year may have the biggest changes ever! I'm NOT the adventurous type. Not unless that adventure is well planned, far in advance, will all variables and bases covered. (I'd be a blast on a road trip, wouldn't I?) But I'm trying to see this all as a big adventure and hang on for the ride.
My oldest is engaged. She's getting married this November. She is blissfully happy, and therefore, so are we, because mothers love to see their children happy, don't we? But what a big change this will be for us! We will be losing a housemate, but gaining a son (and a great one at that). And frantically pulling together a wedding that is 10 weeks ago. The adventure is beginning!
My second oldest is on a waiting list for his own apartment, and when his name comes up, he'll be moving out. All this "moving out" business has it pros and cons. Pro: more room for everyone left here Con: less children, laughter, and conversation around the table. I know it's time. It'll be good for him to stand on his own, and see what being an adult is all about. But I feel like a little piece of me leaves with both of them.
Another went off today, for his first day of sophomore year in public school. Chamber choir, advanced drama, millionaire club, and debate club are just a few of the things that will keep him away from home 12 hours a day many times. I miss him already. But I'm happy to see him thriving and adjusted and involved and stretching himself to do great things.
The rest will be home with me (well, kind of, because I won't necessarily be here), at least for half the year. Home school will look different yet again. They will have to work more independently, which means all new curriculum and strategies. I'm in the process of being hired as a substitute para-educator for North Franklin school district where I'll be working at Basin City elementary and maybe Mesa elementary, three to four days a week. We'll have to frequently evaluate how it's all working. It might be public school for everyone next year (but I can't think about that yet). I know there are many women who have juggled work and family, and I think they're amazing. I just didn't want to be one of them. My goals haven't been very lofty. I wanted a family... lots of children, and the joy of being with them every day. That's it. No career to run back to when they started school. No big ambitions. If I had to sacrifice some material things and be financially creative, well that was ok.
Things have changed. I've put this off as long as I can. It's necessary. And I'm trying to tell myself it's all good. This week I'm putting my house in order. Making menu and chore binders to help the kids stay on task while I'm gone, and play a bigger part in helping the family run smoothly. That'll be good I think. I've not delegated and relied on them as much as I could have. I think having to step up will be good for them.
I have also come to see very clearly that at mid-life, I am uneducated, unskilled, untrained, and unprepared to do much of anything that's worthy of a paycheck. At least not a paycheck that's worth having. The way I see it, if I have to give up what I love most (being home each day with my kids), then the job better 1. Be a good measure of fascinating and engaging 2. pay really well. I'm pretty sure that's NOT the job I've snagged for myself. So....
Back to school. I was trying to choose between work and school (because I'm an all or nothing type of girl thinking only of full time college), when my almost son-in-law mentioned taking part time classes (DUH!). So, in January I'll be taking a couple of classes per quarter at the local college (online, so I can work it around everything else). I'm currently still torn between courses of study. I see two basic options. Study something that will get me done the quickest and make the most money. Or, study something I find fascinating, but that takes twice the time, AND that I have no idea how I'll use to make money. I'm torn between what I should do and what I want to do. Enter the guilt. ACK! I'm leaning towards what I want to do (because as a mother for the last 21 years, what I want has so rarely been the focus). But then I feel guilty. So I wonder.
Then, as a woman who has barely kept it all together as a stay at home mom, I wonder... HOW AM I GOING TO MAKE THIS ALL WORK? You know that saying that goes something like this; I had it all together, but I forgot where I put it? That's me baby! So I'm a little afraid (ok, a lot). I go to bed with lots of questions on my mind (which doesn't make for the most restful night). Can I really be one of those women, who juggles work, school, weddings, ballet performances, school performances, music lessons, meals, grocery shopping, quality time with kids, driver's ed, and on... and on...? I guess I'll see! And you will too. Because I best sort out my life by writing through it. This year in blogging will be a record and study of something.. and I hope it's good!
