Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Let Them Bloom

I don't believe in the empty vessel theory.  You know, that children are just empty vessels and it's our job to fill them up and make them into somebody.  They come here as somebody.   Those personalities show up early on too.  Temperaments, preferences, and attitudes show almost immediately after birth.  So why is it some parents believe they can dictate who they are and what they should become?










True, it's our job to teach, train, mentor, inspire, impart, bond, encourage and a host of other things.  But not dictate who they are.  I feel strongly about this because I have personal experience.  My father loved us I know.  He was difficult to please though.  It seemed that before we were born he knew who we should be....what we should like or dislike, be afraid of or not, excel at, spend time on, etc...  So I grew up feeling that I wasn't entirely right.  Not the way I was.  To be truly loved and approved, I'd need to mold to his image.  For me that meant being thinner, less shy, more aggressive, athletic, smarter...  less me and more like his idea of me.  Overcoming this has taken energy and time that could've been spent more joyfully. 






t


We hope that our children will share our values and beliefs and be good people, with all the skills necessary to live a long and happy life. We naturally want to share our passions and interests with our children. It's expecting our children to feel as passionately about it as we do that becomes a problem.  I've seen parents push their kids to major in a certain field in college and follow a particular career path, even if they have no interest, but in fact a deep passion elsewhere.  Why?  True success comes where passion and ability meet, finding those things you both excel at and love.  Why insist that they do something else because you judge it will make them happier and more successful?  I've never understood this.  










We give our children all we can.  We impart all the wisdom and experience we possibly can.  Then we have to give them wings, let them go, and see where it takes them.  It may hurt to see them make wrong choices or suffer failure.  But we're there to catch them when they fall.  Sometimes, they need encouragement to continue a hard road.  We have to feel that line between letting them quit something too easily, or walk away because it isn't right for them.  






My son Taylor is 15.  He started public school this year and joined the Freshman football team, never having played in his life.  Not even in our yard. Ever.  In fact, he was quite a couch potato.  It was HARD.  I know he literally thought he'd die at times.  He knew he was the least experienced guy on the team.  He didn't quit, nor did he mention it.  If he had, I would've encouraged him to see it through the season.  Dig deep, suck it up, hang in there, and persevere.  Because that forms character and strength.  Insisting he play football all four years of high school because I want him too is another story.  He played the whole season, saw his self esteem grow and his body weight shrink, and really enjoyed it. But he's not sure he wants to play again.  He's not really built for football.  He has other, competing interests.  I admit, I liked saying I had a boy on the team, you know?  It was fun going to the games and cheering for him.  I will miss it if he doesn't play next year. Really. But this is HIS life.  And his decision not to play again, wouldn't be the same as quitting.  


I admit, I've had those dreams of what I hoped a particular child would do and be.  I'm only human!  I know them better than they know themselves sometimes, or at least have a more experienced perspective.  I see what I think they'd be good at.  Or not good at.  But imposing that on them is something I will not do.  I might mention it.  Suggest it. Give them food for thought.  I will never give ultimatums.  This is their life.  Only they know where they feel truly gifted and happy.  If we do our jobs well, or even mostly well, they'll know which road to follow.  And they'll bloom splendidly.




most photos courtesy of Alyssa, beautiful children courtesy of me





Sunday, February 13, 2011

Giving of Our Abundance

This is highly personal, and a little hard to talk about and admit.  But I wanted to share something I learned recently because it was so enlightening to me.  Life changing maybe.  For all of you that already know this, be patient with me, I'm a slow learner.  


This past year has been the hardest financial year of our 23 years of married life.  Unemployment, multiple and devastatingly expensive repairs and replacements, combined with  current economic realities, and the stage of life we're in....  you know, seven children, 5 of whom are teens or older and all that entails with expenses of car insurance, food, activities, lessons, food, shoes, gas money...... did I mention food?  They eat muchly.  We've had to be humbled to accept more financial assistance and help from friends and church than we ever wanted to.   We've been so incredibly grateful for all of that help, each and every day.  But accepting help is hard.  I don't want to be "that family" that always needs something. 


*I* want to be the one who can help others.  I want to have financial abundance so I can be the one to bless others' lives.  I want to be the one that can help someone in need.  It's frustrated me to tears at times, that I find things so reversed from how I would like them to be.  I have certainly developed a great compassion for anyone who is struggling financially and how scary that is.   Many things about my life in recent years have taught me the importance of truly being non-judgmental.  No one knows what it's like to walk in another person's shoes.  


Anyways, I was just feeling so rotten the other day because I'm tired of taking, when I'd rather be giving.  I don't have any financial means to give (though I intend to change that soon).  I can't buy anyone anything.  I can't contribute to any humanitarian causes.  I can't donate any food.   I can't buy fabric to make quilts or blankets to donate.  All I could think of was all these things I couldn't do and I felt very helpless.  


Now, I can't even remember where this inspiration came from.  I know I either heard or read something brief, and the light bulb clicked on.   Abundance comes in many forms, only one of which is monetary.   You can have an abundance of cheer, hope, smiles, hugs, wisdom, grace, love, concern, as well as talents or skills that can be put to use on behalf of others.   I hadn't thought of those things in terms of abundance before.  I should have because that's what the Savior taught.  That giving of those things is also giving of my abundance and helping others.  At first I felt a huge relief as the truth of this sank in and gave me new perspective.  


Then it hit me.  The only problem with this is that you have to  1.  acknowledge your gifts and talents and 2. cultivate characteristics that are positive and of good worth to bless others.   You know how sometimes you take quizzes or read books where they ask you to list all your good traits, or talents?  Well, I HATE those.  My answer to "list your top 10 best skills (talents, traits)" is always...   "UUUHHHHHH...."  Seriously.  I don't see anything noteworthy.  (Or I can think of someone that can do it better).  But ask me to list my top 10 worst traits...  watch out and get me a LONG piece of paper.  Cause I can go way past 10! If I really want to give,  really want to make a difference,  I will need to acknowledge something I have that's worth sharing.  


Secondly, it makes you take an inventory of what your characteristics are.  My lifelong shyness and self-consciousness has often left me feeling socially awkward, missing chances to  say the right things at the right time, and looking unfriendly or snobby. You know those people that you just love to be around?  The ones that brighten a room and make people feel better for having been in their presence?  Well, that's not me I'm sorry to say (and some of you already know that).  But it could be.  If I decided to cultivate those traits.   And if I really want to give of my abundance, I will have to make a serious effort to do that.  


It's given me a good bit of soul searching, that's for sure.  The easiest thing for me to see is the areas I need to become better.  Seeing the gifts I already have is harder.  But maybe it won't seem self serving or selfish if I do it so I can give them away.   So my personal challenge  for this week is to get outside of myself and see the people who are in need in some way, and then decide what I have to offer that will lighten their burden.  

Saturday, February 5, 2011

The Legacy of Strong Women

I posted a while ago about the struggle I'm having concerning what to be when I grow up.  I feel torn between the opportunity to build a small business from home.  That I already have.  But never intended to be in charge of.  Yet it's brilliant, and so maybe I should stretch myself.  Or then again, I could run with the business idea I've had (forever) that would be totally different and allow me to indulge my creative side, and that is more in my comfort zone.  I really felt I had to choose.  Why?  Well, frankly, I feel I do a poor enough job of juggling a family of 9, home schooling, life in general with the daily fires to put out, volunteer commitments,  miles on the road, etc.   If I split my focus yet one more way, won't I just break into pieces too tiny to matter?  Won't everything I do, if I do too much, just suffer from lack of care?


I'm wondering now if that's wrong.  Is there a way to do it all, and do it well?  If so, can *I* do it?  So here's what got me questioning.

We're studying American History with A History of Us, by Joy Hakim.  




Cannot say enough how much we love these books!  We're in book 2, "From Colonies to Country" and we came to a story that so impressed and fascinated me about a strong woman.  The chapter is titled "The Girl Who Always Did Her Best".  Well, that's an understatement!  Eliza Pinckney moved with her family from the Carribean to South Carolina when she was 16.  Her father almost immediately went off to war and her mother became seriously ill.  






photo from A History of Us






She's well noted for her intelligence; speaking three languages, playing instruments, and studying.  She also took over all business operations for her father's three large plantations.  At 16.  She experimented with new crops, growing the first successful indigo in the colonies.  She rose up early each day and read for a couple of hours, then took some exercise while checking on the plantations.  She studied her music, and reviewed things she was learning (like French and shorthand).  At 22 she chose a husband for herself who was 45.  She had three children, and then her husband died.  So, she ran her three plantations along with her husband's SEVEN.  According to history she did this and raised her family outstandingly.  


And I can't seem to fit it all in.  Yes, life today is different.  We have places to be, phone calls to make, meetings to attend, emails to answer... and she undoubtedly had servants to help.  But so do we.  They're called dishwashers, washing machines, and microwaves.  Right?






I'm about ready to read a book to learn a lot more about Abigail Adams. Impressive woman. Wife of John Adams, mother of six children in 10 years, two of whom were buried young.  John had long absences from home and Abigail ran home and farm while he was  away.  Their well preserved letters show a woman who was his intellectual equal (at least), always studying and learning, eloquent in speech, and independent.  She made financial decisions and investments while he was away.  She was often referred to as "Mrs. President" while he was in the White House because she was so politically active.  




photo from A History of Us






I love the passage in Proverbs (31: 10-31) that I hadn't taken much notice of until recently.  It describes a good and virtuous woman.  Her husband's heart is safe with her.  She works willingly with her hands, and brings her food from afar.  She rises early, before anyone else, to feed her family.  She transacts business, buying a field and planting the vineyard with her own hands.  She strengthens herself and sees that what she produces is good. She cares for the needy.  Her family is richly and warmly clothed, and she makes and sells extra linen. She speaks with wisdom and kindness and is not idle.  There's more if you want to read the whole thing (and more beautifully than my paraphrasing).


To be honest, until recently that would have probably made me a bit...  well, defensive.  I don't know about you, but I often feel my to-do list and the expectations of others for me are plenty long.  As I often tell my family, "I am only one woman".  Yet look at what one good woman can do.  Think of all the powerful and strong women throughout history.  Think of the ones you know today!  What have they done? I now see that rather than a list of things to do, that passage in Proverbs simply outlines all that I have the power to be!  Good women do much because we CAN.  


This week I think we'll have a short home school holiday. Monday and Tuesday off.   We haven't really taken any days off, and this woman needs some time to ponder and plan the possibilities.  Home and family must be preserved.. yes.  Some things in life are more important than others..  true.  But if these women could do it, can't I find a way to be more and do more and still be true to myself and my priorities?  Am I capable of more than I think I am?  Do I have more power than I realize?  Life is a choice.  It's all a choice.  And I have some choices to make.