True, it's our job to teach, train, mentor, inspire, impart, bond, encourage and a host of other things. But not dictate who they are. I feel strongly about this because I have personal experience. My father loved us I know. He was difficult to please though. It seemed that before we were born he knew who we should be....what we should like or dislike, be afraid of or not, excel at, spend time on, etc... So I grew up feeling that I wasn't entirely right. Not the way I was. To be truly loved and approved, I'd need to mold to his image. For me that meant being thinner, less shy, more aggressive, athletic, smarter... less me and more like his idea of me. Overcoming this has taken energy and time that could've been spent more joyfully.
We hope that our children will share our values and beliefs and be good people, with all the skills necessary to live a long and happy life. We naturally want to share our passions and interests with our children. It's expecting our children to feel as passionately about it as we do that becomes a problem. I've seen parents push their kids to major in a certain field in college and follow a particular career path, even if they have no interest, but in fact a deep passion elsewhere. Why? True success comes where passion and ability meet, finding those things you both excel at and love. Why insist that they do something else because you judge it will make them happier and more successful? I've never understood this.
We give our children all we can. We impart all the wisdom and experience we possibly can. Then we have to give them wings, let them go, and see where it takes them. It may hurt to see them make wrong choices or suffer failure. But we're there to catch them when they fall. Sometimes, they need encouragement to continue a hard road. We have to feel that line between letting them quit something too easily, or walk away because it isn't right for them.
My son Taylor is 15. He started public school this year and joined the Freshman football team, never having played in his life. Not even in our yard. Ever. In fact, he was quite a couch potato. It was HARD. I know he literally thought he'd die at times. He knew he was the least experienced guy on the team. He didn't quit, nor did he mention it. If he had, I would've encouraged him to see it through the season. Dig deep, suck it up, hang in there, and persevere. Because that forms character and strength. Insisting he play football all four years of high school because I want him too is another story. He played the whole season, saw his self esteem grow and his body weight shrink, and really enjoyed it. But he's not sure he wants to play again. He's not really built for football. He has other, competing interests. I admit, I liked saying I had a boy on the team, you know? It was fun going to the games and cheering for him. I will miss it if he doesn't play next year. Really. But this is HIS life. And his decision not to play again, wouldn't be the same as quitting.
I admit, I've had those dreams of what I hoped a particular child would do and be. I'm only human! I know them better than they know themselves sometimes, or at least have a more experienced perspective. I see what I think they'd be good at. Or not good at. But imposing that on them is something I will not do. I might mention it. Suggest it. Give them food for thought. I will never give ultimatums. This is their life. Only they know where they feel truly gifted and happy. If we do our jobs well, or even mostly well, they'll know which road to follow. And they'll bloom splendidly.
most photos courtesy of Alyssa, beautiful children courtesy of me
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